My last morning of getting ready to go was hectic so I was thankful that my oldest son Cliff and his family were able to drive me to the airport. As we said our good-byes and talked about what day I would be back, I was reminded that Cliff would be celebrating his 40th birthday 5 days after my return. 40 years! Seems impossible! As I made my way through security and to my gate, I thought about how my life has changed since 1976, when I was 18 years old, pregnant, unmarried and newly off the farm.
At the time, I remember feeling disappointed that my life was not going the way I had planned. I had always wanted to go to University, travel and have a career. I felt abortion was not an option for me as I had seen a video on how they were performed, thereby leaving the only other option of going through with the pregnancy. My boyfriend Warren and I had broken up but as a courtesy to him, I told him that it was his baby and that he would be seeing me walking around pregnant. I wasn’t surprised, but was still deeply hurt when he responded “don’t expect me to marry you”.
Not wanting to be judged by my family, I decided to keep the pregnancy secret. So you wonder…. how exactly does a person keep a pregnancy secret? Well, I was living 4 hours away from home, and peasant blouses (aka maternity tops) were in fashion. I strategically went home around 6 months into my pregnancy and figured I could avoid them for the remaining 3 months. All was going as planned until my dad came for a surprise visit when I was 9 months pregnant. Needless to say, he got more of a surprise than I did! Long story short, Warren and I ended up getting married and stayed married for 15 years.
I recognize that I have always described myself as having 2 failed marriages. Yes, my marriage to Warren wasn’t an area entirely happy one, but two fantastic things that came from that relationship were my two sons Cliff and Derek. I don’t remember having “motherhood” on my life list, but both my kids have always given me so much joy. Part of it perhaps was the three of us grew up together. As an army family moving frequently, we experienced a lot together as mother and sons. I know now there is never a perfect time to have children, but in my case, it was probably good to have them when I was young and naive.
At the end of the day, I believe everything happens the way it does for a reason. I was meant to have my children early, and I was meant to kiss a few frogs before I met my Prince Charming. How else does one know gratitude unless you have had experienced “failure”? I also believe without Jeff’s passing, I would not be sitting here in India in an ashram typing this. I perhaps would not even be a yoga teacher. Throughout are lives, we are given free will to take our experiences and make our life choices. We can choose to live our dreams or we chose to dream our dreams. Even with missing Jeff on daily basis and wishing with all my heart he was still alive, I feel so very fortunate for the way my life has unfolded so far. I might not get everything on my bucket list accomplished, but I feel like I’m making really good progress!